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.Insidemy head, a little voice was congratulating myself forturning the relationship into what I was used to.Unstableground at last!But there wasn't a scene.I'd expected one, if not at therestaurant, then afterward in the car or at his place, but hedidn't even invite me in.He just said, "Night, Eddy," andwalked away.Another rousing success.It was what I wasexpecting, after all, and it was a relief, like when the othershoe drops, but I felt odd in a way I'd never felt before, as ifI'd kicked a puppy or stolen money from a Salvation Armykettle at Christmas.I didn't feel vindicated or justified, Ifelt downright wrong.Cherry on Top - 111I decided to go have a few drinks, maybe dance, maybeeven have sex with a stranger.Because I was a free agentagain.I hit one of the bars near my place, and who should Ifind there but Timmy.My first love, my firstdisappointment.Oh, what the hell, I thought, let's just gofor the worst night ever."Hey."He looked surprised."Hi, Eddy.""How you doing? Can I buy you a drink?""I'm good, thanks." He was staring at me like I might whipout a stiletto and stab him to death or something."Uh, sohow are you?""I'm okay.Been better.How's the family?""Oh, you know.""No, actually, I don't.Listen, Timmy," I began, not evenquite knowing where I was going with this."The thing isI'm sorry the way things turned out between us." Wow,why was I saying this? But once I started, it was like thetruth just kept pouring out."But you really, really hurt me,and it's made me feel like I'm not good enough.All theseyears, I haven't been good enough for anything better thanthe crazy people and the one-night stands, and I didn'trealize until I saw you standing here just now that I don'tknow what I did wrong that day.Will you please tell me?"He stood there, just staring and shaking his head."No,Eddy, you didn't do anything wrong.I was scared."Cherry on Top - 112"Yeah but that was one minute out of all that time we spenttelling each other how much we loved one another.Oneminute.And you never even looked at me again.You nevereven made eye contact.Was that whole year a lie?""No!""Then what did I do?" I begged."I've gotta know.I mean, Iknow pretty much why the others didn't work out.I pickedthem all, and they all were exactly what I thought they'd be.That's all I thought I deserved, Timmy.""I couldn't live like that.""Like that? Like what? What was I asking? I wanted tomake a life with you, but you went off with whatever herdamn name is and now you're looking for sex in bars."He turned away and said, "Just leave me alone, Eddy.Ican't do what you do.I'm not brave like that."After he walked away, I didn't feel much like drinking ordancing, and I sure didn't want sex.Not with a stranger,anyway.I went out and walked around a little, trying toclear my head, get rid of the icky feeling I had that therewas something under all this unhappiness that was trying tocome out, and if I could just get to it, just understand.There's an ice cream shop near my place, so I walked onover and took my time looking at the available flavors.Anelderly man ordered a cup with a single scoop of chocolateand two spoons."My wife likes the chocolate," he said tome as the girl fixed his order."Me, I like a fruit flavorbetter."Cherry on Top - 113"Why don't you get one of each?"He shrugged."We don't eat as much as we used to, and it'snot really good for either of us.So next time, maybestrawberry.Or chocolate." He smiled."Sixty-one years inNovember.The secret is to let her have chocolate if shewants it." He paid and carried the cup off to the table wherehis wife sat.They took tiny bites of the ice cream andtalked together quietly.I watched them and understoodsomething about myself."What can I get you?""Um.a pint of the peppermint stick, please." I paid andwalked back home quickly, got in my car, and drove overto Don's place.He was still up."I like chocolate ice cream," I told him as I walked in."Youlike peppermint.""I do know that.""I brought peppermint, not to make anything up to you butbecause I know you love it, and I love you.Don, I willalways bring you peppermint ice cream because I loveyou."He laughed."And I love you, too, Eddy, and not for the icecream, either.""I want to live with you," I told him."I want to spend therest of my life with you.I've never wanted that before, notwith anyone."Cherry on Top - 114"Well, your boyfriends before this.""Don, they weren't that bad.Look, get a couple of spoonsbecause we need to eat this, and I need to explain."We ended up cross-legged on his bed, sharing the pint ofice cream, and I told him the absolutely true story of mylove life.I never loved Timmy.I learned that when I stood there andtried to get him to tell me that I was good enough, that heloved me and he'd fucked up, that he was sorry, sorry,sorry.But the simple truth was that I didn't love him.Yeah,he'd hurt me, but we were kids, they don't even begin tounderstand what love is about.Instead of moving on, I heldon to that hurt for a long time.I was the one making thebad choices, and whenever I managed to choose someonethat I might have been happy with, I pushed and found faultand made him miserable until he lived down to myexpectations, and I could just walk away."Feeling sorry for myself is something I'm comfortablewith.Being happy? Not so much.Say something?""I don't get wanting to be unhappy.When Adrian died, Icouldn't stop crying.I cried for days.I thought I was losingmy mind and ended up going to my doctor to get somethingthat would make me numb so I wouldn't feel what I wasfeeling.That's why I went to Africa.I needed to get awayfrom myself and all those memories.I don't understandsomeone chasing unhappiness.""I thought I wasn't good enough to love.I thought that'swhat Timmy was telling me, and all the others in those firstcouple of years when I was trying to figure out what it wasCherry on Top - 115all about.Tonight I went to the ice cream shop, and thoughtabout loving you, and it seemed to me that if I wasn't readyto eat peppermint ice cream for the rest of my life, I wasn'ttrying hard enough to be a good boyfriend.So I boughtpeppermint and came here to tell you that I have never,ever loved anyone before I met you, Don.You're my first."That made him smile in that shy, happy way he had whensomething touched his heart."I've never been anyone's firstbefore." We shared a peppermint-flavored kiss, and he putthe carton down on the floor beside the bed.Somehow it felt just like the first time.Like what the firsttime should have felt like without any sort of fear orreservation between us.I felt almost like a virgin that nightbecause no one had ever owned my heart the way Don did.There was no negotiating, no bargains, no sense that therehad to be some kind of sexual reciprocity or there would besomething out of balance.We couldn't be out of balance ifwe tried.Not now, not ever, I hoped.I promised myselfthat if I was ever angry with Don, I would go buy somepeppermint ice cream and we'd talk.Because I loved him.A week later, I moved into the condo with him.We becamethe cute gay couple on the block.Our neighbors waved tous when we walked our dog.Yeah, yeah, we got a dog.And a cat.We were so domestic it made my eyes roll backin my head.Every once in a while, I see Timmy.I feel kind of sorry forhim, but also grateful, because it was seeing him in that barthat made things click into place.He and I both tried todeny who we were; he denied his body, I denied my heart.Cherry on Top - 116I survived.I got through it.And I've learned to lovepeppermint ice cream [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]