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.Josie has begun crying again, and is clinging toCaleb. Where is the bad man now? She cries softly. He s gone, sweetheart, Caleb croons to her. He can t hurt you.But he hurt you.I glance at his arm and frantically temper down the need to crawl to him and kisshis wound, to fuss over him and make sure he s okay.He doesn t want me.Finally Josie s cries disappear and Caleb lowers her back into the bed.He s stretched out on hisside, on the other side of the girls, watching them sleep.Bix is curled up at their feet, and I m lyingopposite to Caleb, also on my side, but I m watching him.Memorizing every line of his body, every hair on his head.Finally, he brushes their hair back and leans in to lay a soft kiss on each of their foreheads.He liftshis gaze to mine, and in his bright blue eyes is sadness and regret.He reaches across the girls andcups my cheek in his hand, wipes a tear with his thumb and takes in every inch of my face with hiseyes.He sighs deeply and releases me, rolls away from the girls and stands, turns off the light andwalks to the door.As he pulls it open, he looks back at me and whispers,  I m sorry, Legs, just before he walks outand quietly pulls the door closed behind him.For several long seconds I stare unseeing where Caleb left, then I roll away from my babies andbury my face in the pillow, letting my tears and grief flow out of me in violent sobs.Caleb is gone.Chapter NineteenThree months later.~Caleb~ Your usual?I nod at the redheaded bartender and keep my head down, staring at the scarred bar top in front ofme. Isn t your contract up? She asks me as she reaches for a tumbler and a bottle of Jack Daniels. How do you know that? I ask and slam back the amber liquid and push it forward in a silentrequest for more. I ve been tending this bar for more than fifteen years, she informs me and pours me another. Iknow the comings and goings of the military guys on this base.And I can tell by looking at you thatyou re not active duty anymore.I glare at her and take a sip of the Jack, not confirming or denying her assumption. So why are you here and not back home fighting for your girl? She asks with a sympathetic smile.Fuck off and let me drink. You don t know anything about it, I growl and slam my drink. I know plenty. She grabs a white bar towel and wipes off the bar, clearly not ready to leave mein peace. I know you ve been coming here three nights a week like clock work for the past threemonths.You drink whiskey until you stagger out of here and walk back wherever you came from.You re drinking to forget something, and my bet is it s a woman. Maybe it s a man, I smirk. Nah, I ve seen you check out some of the SEAL bunnies asses, but if they approach you, yougrowl and scare them away. Ain t nothing wrong with looking, I sulk.I just want to drink until I m so drunk that it dulls themile-wide ache in my chest and I forget the look in Brynna s face as I walked out of her hotel roomthree months ago. No, she agrees and shakes her head thoughtfully. But you look guilty as hell after you do. What do you want? I ask and push my empty glass forward for another. Just thought I d talk to you is all, she replies with a smile. You don t scare me with that glare,by the way.Been married to a SEAL for ten years, and his glare doesn t scare me either. Congratulations, I mutter and swig my whiskey. Oh, it hasn t been a walk through the park, trust me.The fool actually left me for a while.Claimedhe didn t deserve me. She shrugs and chuckles as I whip my head up and stare at her with narrowedeyes. What did you say? I ask. Said he didn t deserve me, she repeats and watches me for several seconds. Ah, there it is. Sheshakes her head again and rolls her eyes. So, when they re teaching you guys to bench press a pinetree and hold your breath for forty-five minutes&  Four minutes, I correct her with a growl. Do you they also teach you to be stubborn asses? They taught me to ignore nosy fucking bartenders, I reply and pop a pretzel in my mouth. Okay, don t talk, then, moron and listen to me. Why are you talking to me? I ask incredulously. Because you re gonna ruin your fucking life, and you re too damn hot for that, so shut up and listento me. She crosses her arms over her chest and glares at me, and for a minute I d swear I m talkingto my mother. Fine, I sigh and keep my eyes on the bar. He didn t come back to me until we found out I was pregnant, she begins and then sighs. Lostthat baby, though. I m sorry, I whisper. I ve had three more, she responds and I can hear the smile in her voice and I can t help but hateher just a little.She s a nice, if not way too nosy, woman, but I don t give a rat s ass about her kids. But I m going to tell you what I told him, and then I ll go pay attention to the other customers. Oh, goody, I respond sarcastically. That American Dream that y all fight so hard for over there? The freedoms that you would die toprotect? They re yours too, you know.My head jerks up and I stare at her as she continues. You ve earned the right to be happy, more than most of us. She swallows and lays her hand overmy arm. You have earned her, Sergeant. How did you know? I ask but she cuts me off. You scream Sergeant.Or Lieutenant. Sergeant, I whisper.She nods and glances down the bar. Before you go home and claim her before someone else does,you need to get some help for the PTSD and get your head on straight. What are you a fucking shrink? I sneer. No, she shakes her head and smiles softly. But I know a good one. She pulls a card out of herback pocket and slides it across the bar to me before she winks and saunters down the bar to helpother customers.What the fuck does she know, anyway?I suddenly don t want any more whiskey, and can t stand the stale smell of liquor in this bar, so Ithrow some bills on the bar and walk away, through the crowd beginning to gather and out the door.This particular joint isn t far from the apartment the Navy put me up in during my contract.I ve beentraining SEALs near San Diego, California for the better part of three months, and the pretty bartenderwas right.The contract is over.I have an open invitation at the mercenary training center I left near Seattle, but living in Seattlemeans living near Brynna and the girls, and I don t know that I could survive that.Look how well you re surviving down here, asshole.I slam into my apartment and flop onto the couch, staring at the ceiling and listening to the airconditioning unit click on.It s only May, but it s already warm in southern California, even late in theevening.I wonder what the weather is like back home.I pull my iPhone out of my pocket and bring up the weather app.It s already set to Seattle.Sunny and mid-sixties.Nice weather.My girls would like to go to the park in that kind of weather.My girls.God, I m such a fucking mess.I chose to leave, knowing that they loved me.I chose.Because staying would only end up hurting them.You ve earned her.I scrub my hands down my face with a long sigh and squeeze my eyes shut.I miss them.I thought itwould get better with time, but the truth is, it only gets worse [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]